Bad news: the Republican House of Representatives voted to cut food stamps. The good news: Soylent Green will be available soon. The House also voted to defund Obamacare. It turns out that hatred of the poor is a pre-existing condition for Republicans. Republicans are still pushing the Sarah Palin Alaskan health care plan. If you get sick, they strand you on an ice floe. The federal government may shut down October 1. I knew things were bad when I saw House Speaker John Boehner’s tanning bed, Eric Cantor’s hairpiece and Obama’s teleprompter for sale on Craigslist.
U.S. senators call for Obama to take a tougher stance with Iran. They ask Obama to appoint Dexter as top negotiator now that he’s available. Senator Lindsey Graham says Iran should put its nuclear program in storage and he’s got plenty of room in his closet. Senate Foreign Relations Chairman Bob Menendez says Iran should be punished. Conveniently, he knows a couple of Dominican teens who administer spanking for a small fee. The Air Force nearly detonated a nuclear bomb in North Carolina in 1961. If it had taken out Barney Fife, it would have been worth it. They were originally going to drop it on South Carolina but they realized there were already too many mutants in South Carolina.
Chemical attack kills hundreds in Syria. Symptoms include vomiting, tremors and delirium. In other words, just another night at Tiki Bob’s. Syria says the Middle East will burn if the US attacks. They also threatened to reveal spoilers for ‘Breaking Bad.’ Bad news; there isn’t any public support for a strike on Syria. Good news: there is public support for a strike on movie theaters showing the One Direction film. Hillary Clinton wants to drop the big one, and by big one, she means New Jersey Governor Christie.
The National Security has defeated most online encryption using supercomputers. These computers are so powerful they can split a check six ways at Applebee’s. NASA launches Lunar Dust Explorer, the size of a car. It was that, or get a Swiffer with a 238,900 mile extension. If budget cuts continue, the next Lunar Dust Explorer they launch will be a Roomba. The Curiosity Rover fails to detect presence of methane, one of the signs of life, in the Martian atmosphere. NASA forced to remove the “Who farted?” bumper sticker. It’s the worst Martian disaster since ‘John Carter.’
The Pope says the Catholic Church is obsessed with abortion, birth control and gays. Effective immediately, the Pope is removing the “I brake for intolerance” sticker on the Popemobile. Worshippers will no longer have to kiss the Pope’s NuvaRing. The Rhythm Method will no longer be the Vatican house band. “Khloe’s private hell” is the headline on US magazine. Speaking of Hell, where the Hell is Alanis Morissette to sing, “Isn’t it ironic?” when we really need her? Trends: more young adults are living with their parents. It’s the most people living in basements since the invention of Dungeons & Dragons. The life expectancy of poor white women is declining. It turns out that Ice House, cigarettes and meth are not the three major food groups. Bill Nye the Science Guy’s performance on Dancing With The Stars was impressive. It still didn’t surpass Stephen Hawking’s tap dance in season five. Valerie Harper danced her brains out.
The man who ran Nintendo for 50 years in dead. He died of a broken heart after Call of Duty: Donkey Kong failed to sell. His grave should be easy to find. It’s the only one with a tombstone with a reset button. Grand Theft Auto 5 is suffering from creative exhaustion. New crimes you can commit: littering, loitering and spitting on the sidewalk. I do like the way they keep updating the game. They’ve already issued a Washington Navy Yard expansion pack. Dozens killed at a Kenyan mall. The Apple Store ran out of gold iPhones
Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set at Hahas at Baja in Richmond, VA September 5, 2013
The Greatest Generation survived the Great Depression, won World War 2 and contained Communism. My generation is responsible for popularizing the Hula Hoop, Slinkies and jam bands. We’d like to apologize for that last one. Mescaline used to be a jet pack for your consciousness. Now it’s what you’re on when you wake up in a tent next to a dead guy at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Used positive pregnancy tests sell for $25 on CraigsList. It’s just a matter of time before Walter White sets up a lab. Good news: chemist develops cup and straw that detect the presence of date rape drugs GHB, ketamine and Rohypnol. The bad news: it doesn’t detect the presence of PBR and frat boys.
Chemical attack kills hundreds in Syria. Symptoms include vomiting, tremors and defecation. In other words, just another night at Tiki Bob’s. Syria says the Middle East will burn if the US attacks. They also threatened to reveal spoilers for ‘Dexter,’ ‘The Walking Dead’ and ‘Breaking Bad.’ Bad news; there isn’t any public support for a strike on Syria. Good news: there is public support for a strike on movie theaters showing the One Direction film. Al Qaeda hired engineers to defeat drone attacks. They’ve developed a blimp, the Al Roker. It’s Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. Anthony Weiner celebrated by dropping his balls in Times Square.
What’s at the movies? In ‘Elysium,’ Matt Damon plays a man desperate to escape from Earth. He wanted to get off the planet before Ben Affleck plays Batman. Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters is about mythical beasts. Jennifer Aniston plays a mythical creature in ‘We’re The Millers’: a 44-year-old stripper who doesn’t take it off. ‘We’re The Millers’ is about a group of low-lifes that pretend to be a family. It’s like the Kardashians. New study says that poverty is mentally exhausting. I get the same effect from trying to tell the difference between Liam and Chris Hemsworth.
I always thought you had to go to Hell in a handbasket. It turns out that if you’re Ariel Castro, a bed sheet works just as well. North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un had his ex-girlfriend executed by firing squad. Kinda makes breaking up with a text message seem a lot less heinous. August 24 was the fiftieth anniversary of the March on Washington. Some people say we haven’t made much progress since then but I disagree. Fifty years ago, the FBI was listening to Martin Luther King’s phone calls. Today, we have a black president - and he’s reading your emails. Progress, people! Barack Obama visits Sweden. Obama says he will travel anywhere to further world peace, prevent climate change and assemble the dining room set he bought in 1995 from Ikea.
Dolphins wash ashore in New Jersey and Virginia. Police question Aaron Hernandez. Diana Nyad swam from Cuba to Florida. After she heard the One Direction movie was number one at the box office, she swam back to Cuba. Nyad encountered a great white whale off the coast of Florida. Turns out it was just New Jersey Governor Chris Christie on vacation.
Chris Christie’s opponent says the New Jersey governor would rather campaign in the cornfields of Iowa. Hey, where else are you going to find an unlimited supply of corn dogs? The Republicans will have to win in Blue States to take the presidency in 2016. The last time Chris Christie was in a blue state, he was choking on a steak. Christie is known for throwing elbows at fellow Republicans. He must have been really mad because he threw a chicken wing at Rand Paul. Christie will have a big national platform as chairman of the Republican Governors Association. Just to be safe, they’re reinforcing it.
I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than Johnny Depp with a bird on his head. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had a baby girl. Damien Thorn finally has a bride. Justin Bieber booked a flight on Virgin Galactic. Justin Bieber strapped into a Virgin? Isn’t that pretty much how he spends every night? And I thought Amanda Bynes was the space cadet.
One in thirteen have chimp-like feet. This makes it easy for Justin Bieber to find a replacement for his pet monkey and for you to find the gorilla of your dreams. Apparently Tarzan wasn’t just messing around with Jane. This is why you should always take off your socks and shoes before peeling a banana. If you’re in the KKK and you have chimp-like feet, they make you wear jungle bunny slippers along with your hood. Bob Dylan will get the French Legion of Honor medal. They really enjoy his nasal whine. There’s a Tumblr devoted to Gwen Stefani’s abs. I don’t have a joke for that. I just think that’s something you should know. Anyone see “Fast and Furious 6”? Vin Diesel has done so many “Fast and Furious” movies, he’s changed his name from Vin Diesel to Vin Ethanol.
Bigots object to a Cheerios television commercial with a biracial couple. I don’t have a problem with a biracial couple but I draw the line at Count Chocula sucking on my Lucky Charms. Racists say mixing leads to nuts in your cereal, frosting on your flakes and Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder duets. Even worse, Rice Krispies will now go “Snap, Crackle, Pop a Lock and Drop It.” Dunkin’ Donuts introduces a glazed donut breakfast sandwich. Insulin sprinkles are extra. Not to be outdone, McDonalds introduces the Kurt Cobain breakfast sandwich: fried ham sandwiched between Courtney Love and Melissa Auf der Maur with a hole in the middle. JC Penney sells a teakettle that looks like Hitler. They knew they had a problem when the teakettle killed the Buzz Lightyear action figure for having an uncircumcised Woody.
The American Psychiatric Association classifies caffeine withdrawal at a mental disorder, which makes sense since a psychiatrist costs less than a Starbucks habit. One day without coffee and I’m Java the Hurt. You know you have a problem when your barista is Walter White. You know you have a problem when you stir your coffee with a syringe. Stay away from the brown acid and the black espresso.
Washington, DC will soon have medical marijuana shops. D.C. now stands for “da chronic.” The National Park Service removes keep off the grass signs from Washington monuments. Marion Barry is holding out for medical crack. Police can now swab people they arrest for DNA. Black folks will once again be picking cotton - out of their cheeks. New York City street vendors now selling counterfeit genes. FBI admits it’s using drones for surveillance. You can expect “America’s Funniest Drone Videos” on ABC next season. Reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw the other day: “My other wingman is a drone.” FBI is grateful James Gandolfini of “The Sopranos” is dead. Finally, they know where a wise guy is buried, unlike Jimmy Hoffa.
Zynga laid off 520 employees. The company knew they had problems when the Joad family moved from FarmVille to California. Portland rejects fluoridation. It’s America’s worst nightmare: hipsters with bad teeth. Nelson Mandela of South Africa is in the hospital. He’s the father of his country, like George Washington, except for that owning slaves part.
"One in thirteen have chimp-like feet. This makes it easy for Justin Bieber to find a replacement for his pet monkey and for you to find the gorilla of your dreams. Apparently Tarzan wasn’t just messing around with Jane. This is why you should always take off your socks and shoes before peeling a banana. If you’re in the KKK and you have chimp-like feet, they make you wear jungle bunny slippers along with your hood." Stand-up comedian Chris Martin monkeys around June 20, 2013 at Hahas at Baja in Richmond, VA.
A woman in an audience last week said my jokes were very intelligent. I think it was my one about Snooki’s placenta that convinced here. Kim Kardashian wants to eat her placenta. She should probably start with something smaller, like Kanye’s ego. Justin Bieber booked a flight on Virgin Galactic. And I thought Amanda Bynes was the space cadet. Michael Douglas says he got throat cancer from oral sex. We’ve gone from “I am Spartacus” to “I eat pussy” in one generation. The good news: he’s licked his cancer. Star Wars and Dr. Who fans clash at a science fiction convention in England. It started when someone called Chewbacca a Tardis.
Disney raises prices at its theme parks. The money will go to pay for Grumpy’s met habit, damages after Donald Duck slipped Daisy a Mickey and hush money for Mr. Toad’s wild rides at Anaheim strip clubs. Snow White now has an eight dwarf named Gougey. California wildfires claimed another victim. A smoke jumper accidentally parachuted into Snoop Lion’s blunt. Tornadoes killed and injured dozens in Oklahoma. It’s the worst tornado disaster since “Oz The Great and Powerful.” The winds were so powerful they blew the wig right off Amanda Bynes. They were so powerful, they blew the coke right out of Lindsay Lohan’s nose. They blew so hard, they registered a ten on the New Gingrich scale.
June 4 was the anniversary of the Tiananmen Square anniversary. Apple employees marked the occasion by throwing themselves under tanks instead of off buildings. The Chinese buy Smithfield Foods. Pork jerky will now be known as pork chop sticks. Dunkin’ Donuts introduces a glazed donut breakfast sandwich.Insulin sprinkles are extra. Not to be outdone, McDonalds introduces the Kurt Cobain breakfast sandwich: fried ham sandwiched between Courtney Love and Melissa Auf der Maur with a hole in the middle.
The American Psychiatric Association classifies caffeine withdrawal at a mental disorder, which makes sense since a psychiatrist costs less than a Starbucks habit. One day without coffee and I’m Java the Hurt. You know you have a problem when your barista is Walter White. You know you have a problem when you stir your coffee with a syringe. Stay away from the brown acid and the black espresso. The states spent $3.6 billion enforcing pots laws in 2010 - most of it spent by Texas - on Willie Nelson. Experts call for a more sensible, more popular and less expensive approach: buying every Harold & Kumar DVD and shredding them. Police can now swab people they arrest for DNA. Black folks will once again be picking cotton - out of their cheeks. New York City street vendors now selling counterfeit genes.
Zynga laid off 520 employees. The company knew they had problems when the Joad family moved from FarmVille to California. The Senate held a hearing on Apple’s tax avoidance. Apple has the iPod and the iPad. They just haven’t gotten around to the iPaid. The National Security Agency is monitoring social media. I knew I shouldn’t have friended Jack Bauer on Facebook. The NSA is monitoring MySpace but all they hear are crickets. Like the National Security Agency on Facebook and get a free drone strike. Be sure and check out the CIA’s water boarding photos on Pinterest. Michelle Obama shut down a heckler during a speech at a fundraiser. Fortunately, the drone strike only grazed Michele Bachman. The Taliban is using rectal bombs. This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase roid rage.
"The American Psychiatric Association classifies caffeine withdrawal at a mental disorder, which makes sense since a psychiatrist costs less than a Starbucks habit. One day without coffee and I’m Java the Hurt. You know you have a problem when your barista is Walter White. You know you have a problem when you stir your coffee with a syringe. Stay away from the brown acid and the black espresso." Stand-up comedian Chris Martin gets caffeinated June 12 at LepreComedy at McCormack’s Irish Pub.
"Michelle Obama says black kids shouldn’t worry about acting white. I wish Barack Obama would stop acting white but he keeps killing brown people anyway." Stand-up comic Chris Martin visits the Jersey Shore and more June 6, 2013 in Richmond, VA.
Monday was Memorial Day. Dick Cheney observed Memorial Day by laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Weapon of Mass Destruction. Are weasels are upset when they find out they’re Dick Cheney’s spirit animal? Sean Hannity barbecued an IRS bureaucrat. The FBI grilled an Associated Press reporter. I just discovered Amanda Bynes is my spirit animal. Amanda busted for pot. You know you’re out of control when Reese Witherspoon, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen stage an intervention for you. Amanda threw a bong out the window. Fortunately, Snoop Lion was able to break the fall. Vodka bottle hits Toots of Toots & The Maytals at Richmond concert. Actually, it was a bong thrown by Amanda Bynes.
Michelle Obama says black kids shouldn’t worry about acting white. I wish Barack Obama would stop acting white - but he keeps killing brown people anyway. Saudi arrested for having a pressure cooker in his luggage. Customs became suspicious when he tried to declare an RPG as a falafel maker. John McCain visits Syrian rebels. He says we should arm them with the deadliest weapons in our arsenal: the Expendables. Obama calls for an end to sexual assault in the military. Meals Ready to Eat will no longer include Roofies. Humvees will no longer called Hummers. Engineers will stop laying mines. Body armor will now include chastity belts. The Navy will stop calling rape a sausage boarding party. The Senate held a hearing on Apple’s tax avoidance. Apple has the iPod and the iPad. They just haven’t gotten around to the iPaid.
The Jersey Shore is back and tougher than ever after Hurricane Sandy. The boardwalk is made of leftovers from New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s lap band surgery and the roads are paved with a slurry made from Snooki’s placenta. Crowds line up for the latest amusement park ride, The Situation. It’s bumpy but don’t worry, they’re just genital warts. Be sure and bring a motion sickness bag - and a condom. Taco Bell is testing a waffle taco. If you’re really adventurous, you could just put maple syrup on your fish taco. NASA is working on a 3-D pizza printer. Why bother? I hear they have great pizza on Uranus. NASA may shut down the Kepler telescope, which is 40 million miles from earth. They don’t want to pay the roaming charges. It’s the fiftieth anniversary of the Woolworth lunch counter sit-in. Given that African-Americans are the most morbidly obese ethnic group, maybe it’s time to push away from the lunch counter. The GOP candidate for governor says Planned Parenthood has killed a lot more black folks than the KKK. Wrong: McDonald’s has killed a lot more black folks than the KKK ever did.
Boy Scouts allow gays, which has many ramifications. Scouts will have to more carefully pronounce Webelos. New badges for fashion, hair styling and fudge packing. Jerry Saunders finally gets his shower badge. Scouts will now be Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, Reverent and Curious.
The problem with suicide: it doesn’t always succeed. How about a threesome with Jodi Arias, Amanda Knox and Casey Anthony? That’ll get ‘er done. Japan denies existence of ghosts in the prime minister’s house. They just don’t want to pronounce all those Rs in “Scooby-doo, where are you.” Finally, Bill Murray has a reason not to do “Ghostbusters 3” that makes sense. Star Wars and Dr. Who fans clash at a science fiction convention in England. It started when someone called Chewbacca a Tardis. Jay-Z says Beyonce isn’t pregnant. She put a NuvaRing on it.
"France legalizes gay marriage. Traditionalists will be happy to know that shaving your armpits is still illegal." Stand-up comedian Chris Martin goes where some man have gone before and discusses gay marriage and Star Trek at Hahas at Baja May 23, 2013 in Richmond, VA.
My stand-up comedy set for the last week of May, 2013
France legalizes gay marriage. Traditionalist will be glad that shaving your armpits will still be illegal. Now we know why Chick-fil-A serves waffle fries instead of French fries. French President Francois Hollande was dazed and sauced when he signed the law. The Dutch one-up the French. They legalize putting your finger in a dyke. French waiters protest by being twice as rude to gay couples. The French celebrate with a wine and head cheese party.
IRS accused of politically motivated investigations into the Tea Party. Some IRS audits were legit. Donald Trump shouldn’t have declared that thing on his head as a dependent. The scandal has spilled over into the INS, the Immigration and Naturalization Service. Alice was deported to Wonderland for having a Tea Party. Obama knew he had 99 problems when the dirt on his shoulder turned out to be a Bill of Impeachment. Obama says he’s not worried: politics is a marathon not a sprint, and he’s from Kenya. Four Americans died in Benghazi eight months ago. Republicans should get to the bottom of this, oh, say, around the same time Hillary Clinton announces she’s running for president. Russia accuses US of spying. The CIA was trying to find out the secret ingredient in Soylent Green vodka.
Illinois Senate approve medical marijuana. State changes slogan from “Land of Lincoln” to “Land of Doritos.” Abe Lincoln rolls over in his grave - and rolls Bob Marley a blunt. Lincoln changes his occupation from rail splitter to spliffer. Walt Whitman revises “Leaves of Grass.” New York Police Department roll call reminds cops women can’t get in trouble for going topless. Anthony Weiner complains about a double standard. OJ Simpson asks for a new trial - says he didn’t know that what happens in Vegas goes to prison.
Six hundred million dollar Powerball is the largest in history. Kim Kardashian says she hasn’t seen a meal ticket this big since Kanye West. Zach Galifianakis hopes he wins the Powerball. That way, he won’t have to make ‘Hangover 4.’ Zachary Quinto and Zach Galifianakis will star in a mash-up of ‘Star Trek’ and ‘Hangover.’ It will be called ‘Vulcan and Dumber.’ Dr. Who and Star Wars fans clash at an English science fiction convention. It started when someone called Chewbacca a Tardis. Best crossover appearance in the new Star Trek movie: Carrie Fisher drops by the Enterprise to borrow a cup of dilithium. Spoiler alert for ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’: it’s not about William Shatner’s glaucoma operation. Too many product placements in the new Star Trek movie: William Shatner keeps showing up on the bridge of the Enterprise, claiming he could have booked the trip for less on Priceline. The Enterprise crashes into the ocean. Fortunately, Enterprise Rent-A-Starship has free towing. Best sex scene: Chris Pine transports his penis into Alice Eve’s vagina. Worst sex scene: Zachary Quinto applies a vulcan nerve pinch to Zoe Saladana’s vagina. Biggest surprises: Chris Pine means twink in Klingon and Cumberbatch is the other team sport in Harry Potter. Angelina Jolie has her breasts surgically removed. Sadly, she still has her Pitts. Angelina may get her ovaries removed. Her next movie will be “Lara Croft: Womb Raider.”
Yahoo! buys Tumblr for $600 million. Tumbleweeds blowing through Geocities will now be called Tumblrweeds. To more accurately reflect its content, Tumblr will now be called HooPorn.