My first Tweet:
Happy birthday to Chuck Norris, who just turned 69. I never thought I’d use Chuck Norris and 69 in the same sentence.
Find your #FirstTweet at first-tweets.com
February was Black History Month. We’ve made a lot of progress since Thomas Jefferson slept with a black woman he owned. Now Charlie Sheen just rents them. We’ve made a lot of progress since the FBI listened to Martin Luther King’s phone calls. Now we have a black president who listens to everyone’s phone calls. I was so ignorant about black history, I thought it was R. Kelly who said let my people go. I’ve learned a lot since then. The GRTC reserved a seat at the front of their buses to honor Rosa Parks. It was Rosa Parks who said, “Let my people go - to Short Pump.”
Nat Turner led a slave rebellion in Virginia. He made a public relations mistake by killing women and children instead of killing the people who deserved to die: slave owners, slave drivers, and people who ask for price checks in supermarket checkout lines. Slaves were bought and sold right here in Shockoe Bottom. If they’re going to build a baseball stadium here, they should change the name of the team from the Flying Squirrels to the Richmond Runaways. Richmond was second only to New Orleans in the slave trade in the decade leading up to the Civil War. What kind of sick city was this, where we couldn’t be number one, even in the slave trade? When the U.S. Colored Troops from the Union Army marched into Richmond, they played “Dixie.” JK. They played “I got 99 problems but slavery ain’t one.”
Saint Patrick’s Day is March 17. Saint Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Sadly, he was unable to drive the penises out of the altar boys. The good news: I’ve stopped my post-Valentine’s Day drinking. The bad news: I’ve started my pre-St. Patrick’s Day drinking. I was so drunk last night I was Five Loko. Guinness says its ale is brewed in Dublin. That explains why it tastes like priest penis, willful ignorance and ancient hatreds. March 18 is the Pillsbury Doughboy’s birthday. Sadly, he never recovered from getting poked by the Michelin Man. His only consolation: the Michelin Man used a rubber.
Matthew McConaughey won best actor at the Academy Awards for ‘Dallas Buyers Club.Matthew McConaughey won best actor for ‘Dallas Buyers Club. The only thing that could have stopped the Russian invasion of Crimea is a shirt-off between Vladimir Putin, Matthew McConaughey, and Channing Tatum. Pharrell without his hat is like Vladimir Putin with his shirt on. Sarah Palin could see the Russian invasion of the Crimea coming - from her house. Liza Minnelli and Lorna Luft presented the Judy Garland Little People Full Employment award to Miley Cyrus. Bradley Cooper nominated for an Oscar as best-supporting actor. Little known fact: Bradley Cooper’s wife’s nickname for his his penis is Mini-Cooper.
Bernard Cumberbatch was an Oscar presenter. Do you think somewhere in England a village is missing its batch of cumbers? Harrison Ford stepped over the line. He tried to slip Sally Field a Boniva backstage. Jamie Foxx was an Oscar presenter. Somewhere Janeane Garofalo is sobbing into her third pint of Cherry Garcia, “I used to be billed over Jamie Foxx.” Bill Murray is such a kidder. He told Andrew Garfield, there’s only room in this town for one Garfield. Bill Murray announced he doesn’t want to make another Ghostbusters sequel but he’s up for a sequel to ‘Groundhog Day.’
Chris Hemsworth was an Oscar presenter. I bet he never gets tired of those “Hammer time” jokes. While presenting an Oscar, Angelina Jolie announced she’s teaming up with Madonna to adopt the entire population of Rwanda. ‘Twelve years A Slave,’ directed by Steve McQueen, won best picture. WTF! Steve McQueen makes a movie without any motorcycle stunts? ‘Twelve Years A Slave’ beat out ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ Hey, at least Martin Scorsese finally made a movie about gangstas.‘Frozen’ won for best animated feature. I thought the best animated feature was Lindsay Lohan’s nose twitching over a coke spoon. Doesn’t ‘Frozen’ describe the vagina of just about every Disney princess? I rooted for ‘Invisible Woman’ to win best costume. How meta would that be?
My set February 11, 2014 at James Munoz’ stand-up comedy showcase at Helen’s in Richmond, VA.
The West Coast is suffering from a drought. California is dryer than Betty White’s vagina.
It’s been cold in Richmond. It was so cold ex-Governor Bob McDonnell burned his indictments to stay warm. It was so cold Russian president Vladimir Putin put his shirt on. It was so cold that Luke Skywalker bought a Snuggie for his Tauntaun. It was so cold the NAACP started burning crosses.
Last month, I was in Montgomery, Alabama, which birthed the civil rights movement. I tried to get a police dog to bite me for old time’s sake but he wouldn’t. I guess I was the wrong color. Martin Luther King’s birthday was January 15. It turns out that Martin Luther King had 99 problems and James Earl Ray was the last one. Like Martin Luther King, I had a dream. Adolph Hitler came to me while I was asleep and said, “How many people do I have to kill and enslave to get a statue on Monument Avenue? I mean, come on!”
Like Martin Luther King, I have a dream. I have a dream that one day car and appliance dealers will have sales on Martin Luther King’s birthday the way they have on George Washington’s birthday. I have a dream that one day a KKK member will wash the sheets he got at a Martin Luther King white sale in the washer he bought on sale on Martin Luther King’s birthday. I have a dream that one day that KKK member will say, thank you, MLK. Martin Luther King said, “Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. Barack Obama said, “Amen, brother,” and launched another drone strike. I’m confused. I thought ‘The Blacklist’ was Khloe Kardashian’s address book. Why doesn’t Khloe date her own kind? By her own kind, I mean vapid, no-talent celebrities.
I’m so old, I can remember when it was cool to wear a backpack with only one strap. Hiroo Onoda, the last Japanese soldier to surrender in World War 2, is dead at 91. Inoda didn’t surrender until 1972, which is what happens when you have Yahoo! Mail. German worker died when a bomb dropped in World War 2 explodes. I’m sad because that breaks my record as the last World War 2 casualty: I got hit by a Volkswagen in Frankfurt, Germany in 1960.
I didn’t want to have any children, so I had my YouTubes tied. I’m an insomniac. That means my sleep number is zero. I keep hearing this sound I thought was tinnitus. Now I realize it’s the sound of thousands of comedians dusting off their Bill Clinton jokes in preparation for 2016. What’s the difference between a Welsh terrier and an Irish terrier? If you’re North Korean, not much. Ringling Brothers Circus is running a reading program with local libraries. Children get the chance to win cool prizes, including a chance to torture an elephant.
The ex-wife of Cormac McCarthy, the author of ‘The Road,’ tried to settle an argument about the existence of aliens by drawing a silver gun from her vagina. I don’t have a joke for that. That’s just something I thought you should know. Aberdeen, Washington has declared February 20 will be Kurt Cobain day. That should be a shot in the arm for tourism. Chris Kattan arrested for DUI, yet the man is still walking around free after committing ‘A Night at the Roxbury.’ No justice, no peace. Seventy million credit card holders compromised at Target. The only thing thinner than Target’s point-of-sale security is the toilet paper in its restrooms. I’ll leave you with these parting words of wisdom. The only thing worse than a teenage dirtbag is a teenage teabag.
My set for the last week of September, 2013
Bad news: the Republican House of Representatives voted to cut food stamps. The good news: Soylent Green will be available soon. The House also voted to defund Obamacare. It turns out that hatred of the poor is a pre-existing condition for Republicans. Republicans are still pushing the Sarah Palin Alaskan health care plan. If you get sick, they strand you on an ice floe. The federal government may shut down October 1. I knew things were bad when I saw House Speaker John Boehner’s tanning bed, Eric Cantor’s hairpiece and Obama’s teleprompter for sale on Craigslist.
U.S. senators call for Obama to take a tougher stance with Iran. They ask Obama to appoint Dexter as top negotiator now that he’s available. Senator Lindsey Graham says Iran should put its nuclear program in storage and he’s got plenty of room in his closet. Senate Foreign Relations Chairman Bob Menendez says Iran should be punished. Conveniently, he knows a couple of Dominican teens who administer spanking for a small fee. The Air Force nearly detonated a nuclear bomb in North Carolina in 1961. If it had taken out Barney Fife, it would have been worth it. They were originally going to drop it on South Carolina but they realized there were already too many mutants in South Carolina.
Chemical attack kills hundreds in Syria. Symptoms include vomiting, tremors and delirium. In other words, just another night at Tiki Bob’s. Syria says the Middle East will burn if the US attacks. They also threatened to reveal spoilers for ‘Breaking Bad.’ Bad news; there isn’t any public support for a strike on Syria. Good news: there is public support for a strike on movie theaters showing the One Direction film. Hillary Clinton wants to drop the big one, and by big one, she means New Jersey Governor Christie.
The National Security has defeated most online encryption using supercomputers. These computers are so powerful they can split a check six ways at Applebee’s. NASA launches Lunar Dust Explorer, the size of a car. It was that, or get a Swiffer with a 238,900 mile extension. If budget cuts continue, the next Lunar Dust Explorer they launch will be a Roomba. The Curiosity Rover fails to detect presence of methane, one of the signs of life, in the Martian atmosphere. NASA forced to remove the “Who farted?” bumper sticker. It’s the worst Martian disaster since ‘John Carter.’
The Pope says the Catholic Church is obsessed with abortion, birth control and gays. Effective immediately, the Pope is removing the “I brake for intolerance” sticker on the Popemobile. Worshippers will no longer have to kiss the Pope’s NuvaRing. The Rhythm Method will no longer be the Vatican house band. “Khloe’s private hell” is the headline on US magazine. Speaking of Hell, where the Hell is Alanis Morissette to sing, “Isn’t it ironic?” when we really need her? Trends: more young adults are living with their parents. It’s the most people living in basements since the invention of Dungeons & Dragons. The life expectancy of poor white women is declining. It turns out that Ice House, cigarettes and meth are not the three major food groups. Bill Nye the Science Guy’s performance on Dancing With The Stars was impressive. It still didn’t surpass Stephen Hawking’s tap dance in season five. Valerie Harper danced her brains out.
The man who ran Nintendo for 50 years in dead. He died of a broken heart after Call of Duty: Donkey Kong failed to sell. His grave should be easy to find. It’s the only one with a tombstone with a reset button. Grand Theft Auto 5 is suffering from creative exhaustion. New crimes you can commit: littering, loitering and spitting on the sidewalk. I do like the way they keep updating the game. They’ve already issued a Washington Navy Yard expansion pack. Dozens killed at a Kenyan mall. The Apple Store ran out of gold iPhones
Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set at Hahas at Baja in Richmond, VA September 5, 2013
The Greatest Generation survived the Great Depression, won World War 2 and contained Communism. My generation is responsible for popularizing the Hula Hoop, Slinkies and jam bands. We’d like to apologize for that last one. Mescaline used to be a jet pack for your consciousness. Now it’s what you’re on when you wake up in a tent next to a dead guy at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Used positive pregnancy tests sell for $25 on CraigsList. It’s just a matter of time before Walter White sets up a lab. Good news: chemist develops cup and straw that detect the presence of date rape drugs GHB, ketamine and Rohypnol. The bad news: it doesn’t detect the presence of PBR and frat boys.
Chemical attack kills hundreds in Syria. Symptoms include vomiting, tremors and defecation. In other words, just another night at Tiki Bob’s. Syria says the Middle East will burn if the US attacks. They also threatened to reveal spoilers for ‘Dexter,’ ‘The Walking Dead’ and ‘Breaking Bad.’ Bad news; there isn’t any public support for a strike on Syria. Good news: there is public support for a strike on movie theaters showing the One Direction film. Al Qaeda hired engineers to defeat drone attacks. They’ve developed a blimp, the Al Roker. It’s Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. Anthony Weiner celebrated by dropping his balls in Times Square.
What’s at the movies? In ‘Elysium,’ Matt Damon plays a man desperate to escape from Earth. He wanted to get off the planet before Ben Affleck plays Batman. Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters is about mythical beasts. Jennifer Aniston plays a mythical creature in ‘We’re The Millers’: a 44-year-old stripper who doesn’t take it off. ‘We’re The Millers’ is about a group of low-lifes that pretend to be a family. It’s like the Kardashians. New study says that poverty is mentally exhausting. I get the same effect from trying to tell the difference between Liam and Chris Hemsworth.
I always thought you had to go to Hell in a handbasket. It turns out that if you’re Ariel Castro, a bed sheet works just as well. North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un had his ex-girlfriend executed by firing squad. Kinda makes breaking up with a text message seem a lot less heinous. August 24 was the fiftieth anniversary of the March on Washington. Some people say we haven’t made much progress since then but I disagree. Fifty years ago, the FBI was listening to Martin Luther King’s phone calls. Today, we have a black president - and he’s reading your emails. Progress, people! Barack Obama visits Sweden. Obama says he will travel anywhere to further world peace, prevent climate change and assemble the dining room set he bought in 1995 from Ikea.
Dolphins wash ashore in New Jersey and Virginia. Police question Aaron Hernandez. Diana Nyad swam from Cuba to Florida. After she heard the One Direction movie was number one at the box office, she swam back to Cuba. Nyad encountered a great white whale off the coast of Florida. Turns out it was just New Jersey Governor Chris Christie on vacation.
Chris Christie’s opponent says the New Jersey governor would rather campaign in the cornfields of Iowa. Hey, where else are you going to find an unlimited supply of corn dogs? The Republicans will have to win in Blue States to take the presidency in 2016. The last time Chris Christie was in a blue state, he was choking on a steak. Christie is known for throwing elbows at fellow Republicans. He must have been really mad because he threw a chicken wing at Rand Paul. Christie will have a big national platform as chairman of the Republican Governors Association. Just to be safe, they’re reinforcing it.
My stand-up comedy set for June 20, 2013
I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than Johnny Depp with a bird on his head. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had a baby girl. Damien Thorn finally has a bride. Justin Bieber booked a flight on Virgin Galactic. Justin Bieber strapped into a Virgin? Isn’t that pretty much how he spends every night? And I thought Amanda Bynes was the space cadet.
One in thirteen have chimp-like feet. This makes it easy for Justin Bieber to find a replacement for his pet monkey and for you to find the gorilla of your dreams. Apparently Tarzan wasn’t just messing around with Jane. This is why you should always take off your socks and shoes before peeling a banana. If you’re in the KKK and you have chimp-like feet, they make you wear jungle bunny slippers along with your hood. Bob Dylan will get the French Legion of Honor medal. They really enjoy his nasal whine. There’s a Tumblr devoted to Gwen Stefani’s abs. I don’t have a joke for that. I just think that’s something you should know. Anyone see “Fast and Furious 6”? Vin Diesel has done so many “Fast and Furious” movies, he’s changed his name from Vin Diesel to Vin Ethanol.
Bigots object to a Cheerios television commercial with a biracial couple. I don’t have a problem with a biracial couple but I draw the line at Count Chocula sucking on my Lucky Charms. Racists say mixing leads to nuts in your cereal, frosting on your flakes and Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder duets. Even worse, Rice Krispies will now go “Snap, Crackle, Pop a Lock and Drop It.” Dunkin’ Donuts introduces a glazed donut breakfast sandwich. Insulin sprinkles are extra. Not to be outdone, McDonalds introduces the Kurt Cobain breakfast sandwich: fried ham sandwiched between Courtney Love and Melissa Auf der Maur with a hole in the middle. JC Penney sells a teakettle that looks like Hitler. They knew they had a problem when the teakettle killed the Buzz Lightyear action figure for having an uncircumcised Woody.
The American Psychiatric Association classifies caffeine withdrawal at a mental disorder, which makes sense since a psychiatrist costs less than a Starbucks habit. One day without coffee and I’m Java the Hurt. You know you have a problem when your barista is Walter White. You know you have a problem when you stir your coffee with a syringe. Stay away from the brown acid and the black espresso.
Washington, DC will soon have medical marijuana shops. D.C. now stands for “da chronic.” The National Park Service removes keep off the grass signs from Washington monuments. Marion Barry is holding out for medical crack. Police can now swab people they arrest for DNA. Black folks will once again be picking cotton - out of their cheeks. New York City street vendors now selling counterfeit genes. FBI admits it’s using drones for surveillance. You can expect “America’s Funniest Drone Videos” on ABC next season. Reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw the other day: “My other wingman is a drone.” FBI is grateful James Gandolfini of “The Sopranos” is dead. Finally, they know where a wise guy is buried, unlike Jimmy Hoffa.
Zynga laid off 520 employees. The company knew they had problems when the Joad family moved from FarmVille to California. Portland rejects fluoridation. It’s America’s worst nightmare: hipsters with bad teeth. Nelson Mandela of South Africa is in the hospital. He’s the father of his country, like George Washington, except for that owning slaves part.
A woman in an audience last week said my jokes were very intelligent. I think it was my one about Snooki’s placenta that convinced here. Kim Kardashian wants to eat her placenta. She should probably start with something smaller, like Kanye’s ego. Justin Bieber booked a flight on Virgin Galactic. And I thought Amanda Bynes was the space cadet. Michael Douglas says he got throat cancer from oral sex. We’ve gone from “I am Spartacus” to “I eat pussy” in one generation. The good news: he’s licked his cancer. Star Wars and Dr. Who fans clash at a science fiction convention in England. It started when someone called Chewbacca a Tardis.
Disney raises prices at its theme parks. The money will go to pay for Grumpy’s met habit, damages after Donald Duck slipped Daisy a Mickey and hush money for Mr. Toad’s wild rides at Anaheim strip clubs. Snow White now has an eight dwarf named Gougey. California wildfires claimed another victim. A smoke jumper accidentally parachuted into Snoop Lion’s blunt. Tornadoes killed and injured dozens in Oklahoma. It’s the worst tornado disaster since “Oz The Great and Powerful.” The winds were so powerful they blew the wig right off Amanda Bynes. They were so powerful, they blew the coke right out of Lindsay Lohan’s nose. They blew so hard, they registered a ten on the New Gingrich scale.
June 4 was the anniversary of the Tiananmen Square anniversary. Apple employees marked the occasion by throwing themselves under tanks instead of off buildings. The Chinese buy Smithfield Foods. Pork jerky will now be known as pork chop sticks. Dunkin’ Donuts introduces a glazed donut breakfast sandwich.Insulin sprinkles are extra. Not to be outdone, McDonalds introduces the Kurt Cobain breakfast sandwich: fried ham sandwiched between Courtney Love and Melissa Auf der Maur with a hole in the middle.
The American Psychiatric Association classifies caffeine withdrawal at a mental disorder, which makes sense since a psychiatrist costs less than a Starbucks habit. One day without coffee and I’m Java the Hurt. You know you have a problem when your barista is Walter White. You know you have a problem when you stir your coffee with a syringe. Stay away from the brown acid and the black espresso. The states spent $3.6 billion enforcing pots laws in 2010 - most of it spent by Texas - on Willie Nelson. Experts call for a more sensible, more popular and less expensive approach: buying every Harold & Kumar DVD and shredding them. Police can now swab people they arrest for DNA. Black folks will once again be picking cotton - out of their cheeks. New York City street vendors now selling counterfeit genes.
Zynga laid off 520 employees. The company knew they had problems when the Joad family moved from FarmVille to California. The Senate held a hearing on Apple’s tax avoidance. Apple has the iPod and the iPad. They just haven’t gotten around to the iPaid. The National Security Agency is monitoring social media. I knew I shouldn’t have friended Jack Bauer on Facebook. The NSA is monitoring MySpace but all they hear are crickets. Like the National Security Agency on Facebook and get a free drone strike. Be sure and check out the CIA’s water boarding photos on Pinterest. Michelle Obama shut down a heckler during a speech at a fundraiser. Fortunately, the drone strike only grazed Michele Bachman. The Taliban is using rectal bombs. This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase roid rage.